Self-Love – Day 5 – See the Link

Brendon Burchard says that ‘High Performers’ tie their identity to their success in certain areas. Meaning that they take their success in business or relationships or recreation very personally because it defines how they are perceived by others and themselves.

I think that the link is already there, ready to be discovered. Here’s why…

A Story:

I did a deep-clean of my kitchen this morning while I listened to Brendon. Being the good student, I immediately put his suggestion into practice. But when I went to deliberately tie my identity to a clean kitchen…I realized it was already there.

But in a super-unhelpful way.

I felt bad about it. Berated myself for caring what my house and the way I lived looked to other people. The words playing on loop in my brain were to “be proud of yourself and don’t care what others think”.

Not a bad loop, right?

Especially coming from a background of “don’t air your dirty laundry”. In other words, pretending to not have flaws.

But this loop was at war with what was already part of me. Just try clasping hands with yourself and pulling in opposite directions. Being at war with yourself takes energy. And will tire you out faster than any other activity you can engage in.

When I repeated the phrase over again and let the idea settle in my body, I felt a tremendous release of energy. I let it be okay to tie the cleanliness of my house to my identity. And I realized it wasn’t so much what other people thought of me…but what I thought of myself. When I let my standards slide, I let myself down.

The crux of today is about the definition of identity.

Yes, it is how you want to be seen to the greater world. But you really don’t have control over that. Someone can catch you doing something great once, and you will forever be great in their minds. And the opposite. Identity is how you want to be seen…to yourself.

When I tie my identity strictly to how I view myself, the need for that loop-mantra dissolves.

Let’s see what happens when we tie our self-love to our identity.

Steps:

1. Discover It – Sit quietly with yourself and start to say the words “My success in self-love is tied to my identity”. Be prepared for this link to be something that feels good or not. Like my kitchen example…the link isn’t always pleasant. It’s also okay to have no link at all.
2. Notice It – What happens next? Do images fill your mind? Scenes from your childhood or past relationships? How about sounds or smells or feelings? Just let them come up, take mental note and let them pass. We have a history both with our identity and self-love. Your mind will land on the most vibrant recollections as it sifts through the past.
3. Spin It – Maybe the link was there, maybe not. Either way…say the words again with a positive spin. Put enthusiasm in your voice, breathe through your heart, visualize some very positive outcomes of tying your identity to self-love.
4. Ask It – How would my identity change if I leveled-up my self-love? Would you feel more successful? Would you finally allow yourself to….(fill in the blank). Would nay-sayers and haters cease to affect you?
5. Write It – Put those words on a sticky note or a journal or on an alarm on your phone – My success in self-love is tied to my identity.

The way I see it, tying your success in self-love (the outcome of leveling-up through these self-love practices) to your identity (how you view yourself) makes it a sure thing. Pretty soon, you become someone who takes their self-love very seriously.

Just like with the continuum of self-esteem, that of self-love is never-ending. You don’t get to a point where you’re “all good” and stop putting in the effort. Success means that you continuously up your game.

Imagine that.